Lessons in:
Growing and learning.
Relinquishing control.
Sometimes we don't have a choice.
On November 1, 2011 I found out that I was expecting!
My family and I were so excited. Thoughts started pouring through our heads about how our lives were going to change. Our daughter Nell would soon have a sibling and quickly have to learn how to share her toys, along with our attention. We were organizing and getting rid of things we didn't need. Our little house was going to feel even smaller and we were discussing ways in which we could get creative with space. I was looking forward to welcoming another baby into our family. I loved feeling my body change and grow when I was pregnant with Nell and was excited to feel and see how this pregnancy would be similar and how it would be different.
The first two months of my pregnancy were great! I was tired and a bit nauseous but felt pretty good.
Around the 10 week mark I went in for an apt. with a midwife to discuss how my pregnancy was progressing and to discuss different birthing options. She performed a routine ultrasound to see if we could see our little one and say hello. She could see a sac but no baby. I was immediately worried and we discussed my options.
I left her office feeling sad and scared. I didn't want to do any type of invasive procedure and wanted my body and baby to feel supported and nurtured. After meditating and talking with family and friends, as well as medical professionals I decided to wait for a few weeks and then get another ultrasound.
In the meantime I had a dream about a third pregnancy and baby. There was no awareness or thought of a second baby in the dream, just a third baby.
On January 10, 2011 I went in for a second ultrasound with the help of my dear friend Dr. G.
We discovered that there was no baby in my uterus.
I was saddened and very curious about what had happened. I was supposed to have a little baby in my belly developing and swimming around.
I could even feel my baby moving around.
What happened? Why hadn't there been any sign of a miscarriage? No bleeding or cramping or any other sign that the pregnancy wasn't going well.
After speaking with Dr. G we came to the conclusion that I had what is called an anembryonic pregnancy or a blighted ovum. A yolk sac had developed but no baby.
My body released all of the normal pregnancy hormones and everything seemed "normal".
An anembryonic pregnancy is one in which a fertilized egg implants in a uterus and begins to develop a gestational sac. The fertilized egg does not form beyond the sixth week and is usually absorbed back into the uterus.
We believe this is what occurred in my situation. Anembryonic pregnancies are usually linked to chromosomal issues. (There is plenty of research out there to check out on the web and elsewhere. Please do so if interested).
I have learned quite a bit about myself both physically and emotionally during this pregnancy.
I realize that there are many things that I can't control, no matter how much I want to.
I am saddened by the loss of this pregnancy but I also honor my body and it's innate wisdom. It's ability to detect that something wasn't right and absorb the yolk sac back into itself is such an amazing feat!
I am so very grateful for all that I have. My daughter, Nell, is such a blessing and I am thankful for her each day. She continues to teach me how to see from a fresh perspective and how to let go of my need to control and approach life with curiosity and wonderment.
"Ohhhh!" and "Wow!" and "NO!"are some of her favorite things to say when seeing something new.
I am thankful for all this experience has taught me. It can be an isolating experience being a mother. It can also be very scary having something go wrong during pregnancy and afterwards. I learned that so many women experience losses during and after pregnancy.
It is how we respond to our life experiences and learn to love ourselves and our imperfections that I'm interested in.
We are excited to continue trying to add to our already wonderful family.
Shanti, shanti, shanti!
Peace, peace, peace!
-Melissa
