Growing and learning - Relinquishing control

Lessons in:
Growing and learning.
Relinquishing control.
Sometimes we don't have a choice.

On November 1, 2011 I found out that I was expecting!
My family and I were so excited.  Thoughts started pouring through our heads about how our lives were going to change. Our daughter Nell would soon have a sibling and quickly have to learn how to share her toys, along with our attention. We were organizing and getting rid of things we didn't need. Our  little house was going to feel even smaller and we were discussing ways in which we could get creative with space. I was looking forward to welcoming another baby into our family.  I loved feeling my body change and grow when I was pregnant with Nell and was excited to feel and see how this pregnancy would be similar and how it would be different.

The first two months of my pregnancy were great! I was tired and a bit nauseous but felt pretty good.
Around the 10 week mark I went in for an apt. with a midwife to discuss how my pregnancy was progressing and to discuss different birthing options. She performed a routine ultrasound to see if we could see our little one and say hello. She could see a sac but no baby. I was immediately worried and we discussed my options.
I left her office feeling sad and scared. I didn't want to do any type of invasive procedure and wanted my body and baby to feel supported and nurtured. After meditating and talking with family and friends, as well as medical professionals I decided to wait for a few weeks and then get another ultrasound.
In the meantime I had a dream about a third pregnancy and baby. There was no awareness or thought of a second baby in the dream, just a third baby.

On January 10, 2011 I went in for a second ultrasound with the help of my dear friend Dr. G.
We discovered that there was no baby in my uterus.
I was saddened and very curious about what had happened. I was supposed to have a little baby in my belly developing and swimming around.
I could even feel my baby moving around.
What happened? Why hadn't there been any sign of a miscarriage? No bleeding or cramping or any other sign that the pregnancy wasn't going well.
After speaking with Dr. G we came to the conclusion that I had what is called an anembryonic pregnancy or a blighted ovum. A yolk sac had developed but no baby.
My body released all of the normal pregnancy hormones and everything seemed "normal".
An  anembryonic pregnancy is one in which a fertilized egg implants in a uterus and begins to develop a gestational sac. The fertilized egg does not form beyond the sixth week and is usually absorbed back into the uterus.
We believe this is what occurred in my situation. Anembryonic pregnancies are usually linked to chromosomal issues. (There is plenty of research out there to check out on the web and elsewhere. Please do so if interested).
I have learned quite a bit about myself both physically and emotionally during this pregnancy.
I realize that there are many things that I can't control, no matter how much I want to.
I am saddened by the loss of this pregnancy but I also honor my body and it's innate wisdom.   It's ability to detect that something wasn't right and absorb the yolk sac back into itself is such an amazing feat!

I am so very grateful for all that I have. My daughter, Nell, is such a blessing and I am thankful for her each day. She continues to teach me how to see from a fresh perspective and how to let go of my need to control and approach life with curiosity and wonderment.
"Ohhhh!" and "Wow!" and "NO!"are some of her favorite things to say when seeing something new.

I am thankful for all this experience has taught me. It can be an isolating experience being a mother.  It can also be very scary having something go wrong during pregnancy and afterwards. I learned that so many women experience losses during and after pregnancy.

It is how we respond to our life experiences and learn to love ourselves and our imperfections that I'm interested in.

We are excited to continue trying to add to our already wonderful family.
Shanti, shanti, shanti!
Peace, peace, peace!
-Melissa

Daily Offering...quietly warming up to this

Sorry about the sound and audio delay. I'm working on making this a bit better.

Feedback is always helpful.

Shanti!

Sankalpa

This holiday season was a really special and unique one for me.  My husband and I got married in October and we spent our first Christmas together this year, just the two of us.  We had the opportunity to spend time with friends and a theme seemed to come up: closure and starting something new or renewing something old.  There was some talk of New Year's resolutions and even dinner toasts with the theme of thankfulness and gratitude.  There was also a sense of uncertainty, not knowing, transition and a desire to keep progressing, growing and learning and maybe even feelings of both joy and fear.  In conversations with friends, I realized how hard we are on ourselves--putting pressure on ourselves to achieve certain goals or progress to somewhere else.  And then, when we don't get there, we are left feeling disappointed.  There is a delicate balance between working hard and pushing yourself and just being grateful for what you have, where you are and who you are in this very moment.  Even if you happen to be really pissed off or sad.  I'm working on figuring this out and have decided that I'm never going to figure it out.  Figuring it out probably isn't the point.

With long conversations with friends on my mind and holiday warmth still sitting in my belly, this time of year brings to mind the yogic practice of sankalpa.  A sankalpa is a yogic philosophy or practice that means resolve.  This philosophy withholds that you are already are all that you need to be.  Wow, what a relief.  No, seriously, couldn't we all use this reassurance?  I know this is extremely challenging for me to hold onto--that I already am everything I need to be.  As Kelly McGonigal states in "Inspired Intention: The Nature of Sankalpa,"  to develop a sankalpa "all you need to do is focus your mind, connect to your most heartfelt desires and channel the divine energy within" (Yoga International).  Ms. McGonigal's article is really informative and inspiring; however, I find that focusing my mind and connecting to my heartfelt desires, let alone figuring out what those are is extremely challenging.  I feel like my heartfelt desires are in constant flux, to be perfectly honest.  But I love the idea of suspending disbelief, self criticism and even expectations to get to the heart of who we are.  A sankalpa practice can allow us to refrain from second guessing ourselves and simply believe that we deserve happiness, fulfillment and peace.

Ms. McGonigal states that a sankalpa can take two forms.  One is called " the heartfelt desire,  [which] is a statement that reflects your true nature" (45).  For example, I am at peace, or I am an intuitive and creative person.  A sankalpa can also be a specific goal or intention, which will help you to achieve small milestones that lead towards your heartfelt desires.

So, how do we figure out what our heartfelt desires are.  I'm not really sure myself.  I know that movement helps me, trying to be patient, kind and forgiving is also helpful.  Having faith in oneself and confidence also seems imperative, but all of these things are elusive.  Just because they are elusive does not mean that we don't have these qualities within us.  We are complicated--emotions, situations, experiences, etc. bring us a variety of challenges.  It's okay to be mad, get discouraged, be uncertain, but in those times, maybe we can all remember that we already are all that we need to be.  Even if we're not exactly where we want to be in life--perhaps there is a reason for us to be where we are right now, this very moment.  What if?  Right away, my mind goes to, well, no, there's no way I'm supposed to be doing this because of blah blah blah.  I am trying to work on asking those thoughts to just chill out for a moment so that I might be open to the space I am in at this very moment.  This acknowledgement can't really hurt me.  It actually can only help make me feel more at peace and perhaps open up new doors to new experiences and opportunities.

I am truly grateful that I have opportunity, experiences, family, friendship.

Radiance Sutra 88

        88

bhrantva bhrantva sharirena

tva ritam bhuvi patant

kshobha shakti viraamena

para sanjayate dasha 

Wander and wander to the point of exhaustion,

Whirl until you lose all control,

Dance until you are ready to drop.

Then Drop!

Fall to the earth. Surrender to the swirl of sensations

Surging through your form.

Dissolve in awe as arising energies 

Continue to dance in your inner world.

Beyond motion and commotion,

Become the body of ecstasy.

Read this today in my yoga class. It seemed appropriate as I was hearing my friends and myself talk about how tiring the holidays can be. We decided that the exhaustion typically comes from trying to be and make everything just so perfect. Here's to falling to the earth and surrendering. Beyond motion and commotion! LOVE IT!

My inner monologue today "Keep practicing, keep practicing, keep practicing. Laugh a bit more and take yourslef less seriously."  

Or as John Friend said in a workshop this summer "Be seriously joyful!"

Shanti!

Offering great classes Wednesday nights at Vitalize Community Studio in Sugar House!

Please come join us Wednesday nights!
Vitalize Studio 2154 S. Highland Drive in Sugarhouse.
FREE CLASS January 12, 2011!
Prenatal/Postnatal Yoga with Melissa

4:00-4:55pm Wednesdays at Vitalize Community Studio

Come move with me! 

Whether you are expecting or have welcomed your beautiful little one into the world, this class is for you.

This prenatal/postnatal yoga class will focus on connecting with your breath, strengthening and toning your pelvic floor, rediscovering your core, increasing overall strength, stamina and flexibility.

Get those feel good endorphins rushing by integrating your breath with your movement. 

Feel the benefits of taking time for yourself. Your family and your body will thank you! 

Pilates Open Level Class with Laura
5:00-5:55pm Wednesdays at Vitalize Community Studio

This open level Pilates class will focus on connection to breath and how this creates a sense of ease and also strength in the body.  Particular attention will be given to alignment, core stability, fluidity and mobility of your unique spine and body.  Participants will explore challenging, invigorating and restorative movement that draws attention to the intricacies of your moving body (your skeletal and muscular systems, in addition to your nervous and organ systems).  Come, explore movement, be challenged and restored as we explore how the pelvic floor supports our deep center, core muscles and organs, while allowing for mobility in the hips and lower back.  Whether you are an athlete, a yogi, Pilates fanatic, dancer, a new or expecting mother, a man or a woman, or simply someone looking for a healing and strengthening practice, this class will give you a strong foundation while also providing challenges and modifications for all ability levels and backgrounds.

Remember-FREE CLASS Wednesday January 12, 2011! 

Come check out the beautiful space at Vitalize Community Studio. 

We are looking forward to seeing you.

Sutra of the Day #37 This Little Light of Mine!

                   #37
Go to a wide open space,
Gaze without looking anywhere.

The mind stops its building of thoughts,
And rests on its own foundation -
Which is that immensity.

The light that you see by
Is the light that comes from inside.


Sanskrit - 
nirviksha giri bhitti adi
deshe drishtim viniksipet
viline manase bhave
vritti kshinah prajayate


Right now this sutra is reminding me of the song I used to sing when I was around five. This Little Light of Mine I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
Enjoy!

The Radiance Sutras

               Sutra #63
Dreaming, dreaming, sleeping, awakening
Rhythms of darkness and light.
Day and night, night and day, wondering...
...Who am I Who AM I?
Who is morphing through this Ever-shifting flow?

Beloved, wake up!
Dance in your true body before time,
Shimmering energy without end.


Sanskrit: 
kinchit jnatam dvaita-dayi
bahya alokah tamah punah
vishva adi bhairavam rupam
jnatva anata prakashabhrit 
                                        
I have been playing with these sutras from the Vijnana bhairava Tantra ever since I was introduced to them during my yoga training. I have fallen in love with them and read them and people have told me that they really enjoy the way they make them feel.
These sutras are a conversation a dialogue between two lovers.  It is beautiful and speaks to my heart.
Each sutra resonates with me differently each day. I leaf through the book and find a sutra that meets me where I am at the time.
I find that reading each sutra out loud and hearing the words in my own voice enables me to take in the energy and meaning of each sutra through all of my senses.
It's also been fascinating to read them two times at the beginning of a session and two times toward the end of a session (before or during Savasana).
People have commented that they hear the words more clearly after they have moved their bodies and/or been mindful of their breath in their sessions.
So, I've decided to post a sutra that resonates with me each day. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.
If anything, I hope they are a positive part of your day as they have been mine.
Shanti!